Sarah, the beautiful and esteemed publisher of this fine magazine, asked me to write an occasional column.

Alonzo Bodden

My name is Alonzo Bodden, comedian by profession, rider by passion and actor on occasion. I hosted a show on the Speed Channel called "101 Cars You Must Drive" and spent a great year getting mixed up with Jason Britton. He's the young, fast stunt guy; I'm the old, slow bunny-hop wheelie guy. Its OK; I'm taller than Jason. He can't stunt if I hide his helmet on the top shelf.

My love affair with bikes started when I was 7 years old. A guy who rented land from my grandmother took me on a ride on his old Norton. Back then, a boy could go for a ride with a man and not worry about being violated. Times have changed.

My first bike was a Honda 400 Four. This was back when learning to ride consisted of someone pointing out the throttle, brakes, clutch and shifter, and wishing you luck. Before I knew it, I was peg-scraping on Mulholland Drive. I also learned a valuable riding lesson: never pass on the right. You may not be seen by a woman entering a driveway. Then it was goodbye 400 Four, hello Honda 900F. I rode that for a couple of years, sold it, and then spent a few quality years battling drug addiction.

I sobered up in 1988 (still sober) and in '92, I was back on two wheels. I owned a 700 Interceptor for two weeks until it was stolen. In '93, I bought a CBR600, which started a continuous bike-buying and selling run.

I traded the CBR600 for a CBR900, and I test rode a Valkyrie. There's nothing like smoking a sportbike off the line on a giant cruiser. It took about a year for me to trade my Civic for a Valkyrie. I loved that bike.

I sold the 900 and traded the Valk, ending up on a CBR 1100 Blackbird. It was great until I crashed it on a track day at Willow Springs. Who takes a blackbird on the track? Uh, me. I didn't say I was bright.

Then it was on to a VTR 1000, my first V-twin. I liked the torque, but hyperbikes were calling me, and I bought my 'Busa, an unrestricted '99 model. I LOVED the 'Busa; it was the greatest engine I have ever experienced. I tracked it, toured it, cruised and commuted. I did pipes, wheels, Ohlins suspension, luggage, you name it. This was before 'Busas really took off. Once everyone had one, I had to move on.

Now that I was on TV, I could afford Italian. Winning "Last Comic Standing" bought a few bikes. It started with an Aprillia Mille, the Colin Edwards Replica. I lowsided that on a track day and found out the decals cost about $1,100. After talking to a painter, I was now the owner of a Red Bull Replica Mille. Red Bull decals only cost $50. I loved the Aprillia so much I bought a Tuono.

I wanted another Valkyrie, but Honda stopped making them. Honda instead was selling the Rune. God bless all you blingy guys, but I can't spend that much time polishing. Fortunately, Triumph released the Rocket III. It required no polishing, and they'd take a trade-in Rune. Hello, Rocket.

So now the garage is full: a Rocket, a 'Busa, a Mille and a Tuono. Normal people don't understand having four bikes; bike guys are asking what I'm buying next.

I was at Ducati Island at Moto GP, and fell in love with the Sport 1000. I know its too small for me but moto lust knows no logic. I sold the 'Busa, and the Mille. I bought the Sport Classic and cruised the canyons for three months. Everything was fine until Ducati decided to release the 1098.

It's sex on wheels. The decision was easy to make. I put a deposit on the 1098 and the Sport Classic for sale. At this time, I was dragging a knee. An old, painful arthritic knee.

By the way, the Tuono is for sale. I loved it, but Aprillia being bankrupt makes it a little hard to service. I sold my Hummer last year, too. (I'm learning to stay ahead of the curve.)

With no Tuono, that leaves space in the garage. I need a street fighter. I got a Suzuki Bandit, and 300 miles in, I'm bored to death. I needed a Speed Triple, the ultimate wheelie bike for the guy who can't wheelie. Did I mention my knee hurts?

OK, I'm cool now just cruising eBay. Wait, was that a Ducati Multistrada? I hear those are great for tall people, and this one has custom paint and matching bags.

Which brings us to today's tally: a Ducati 1098 for track days, a Rocket III because big cruisers are a drug and besides, chicks dig 'em and a Multistrada to run around town. I'm still trying to figure out how something that looks so bad works so good.

And finally, a Speed Triple for wheelies. I can't do wheelies. Anyone want a tricked-out green Speed Triple?

–Alonzo Bodden